This isn’t a post about “how to quit your corporate job immediately” or “how to never work 9 to 5 again”.

This is about making small, sustainable, yet noticeable changes to how you relate to your current job, without changing your external circumstances.

If you are unhappy at work but not ready, willing, or able to leave — and want to suffer less now, not someday, this article is for you.

Finding meaning is a basic requirement

Most of us spend more time working than sleeping or any other activity or hobby. We spend more time in contact with our work colleagues than with our partners, friends, and children.

To be happy and satisfied with our lives, it is essential to be mostly content doing the thing that takes up the majority of our time. It doesn't guarantee it, but overall contentment without it is challenging.

Our jobs do not have to be perfect. We do not have to be jumping for joy when our Monday morning alarm goes, or skipping to the nearest public transit, whistling with delight at the start of another working week (if that's you, please keep going and spread the joy!).

But we do need to find meaning in what we are doing, whatever that looks like for us. It might be the subject matter of the work. Or the interactions we have with colleagues or clients.

We might simply learn to notice how we respond to the circumstances we find ourselves in.

That in itself can provide meaning, even when everything else isn't going as we hope or enjoy.

We need to express at least some of our authentic selves in our work environments. It's not appropriate for our colleagues to see the version of ourselves that we show our partner or friends.

Whether we call it being professional or "playing the game", there is a necessary filtering that happens in the workplace.

Yet that does not mean we have to adopt a completely different personality. For if we spend most of the time pretending to be a different version of our true selves, the alternative version we have created to survive in the workplace will start to permeate the relationships in all facets of our lives.

If you don't believe me, try watching Severence.

Being realistic about our capacity for change

I often hear people talk about work in very black and white terms: stay or quit. Hold out until bonus season, and quit. Hang on for dear life, burn out, and quit.

Often, quitting isn't a viable option for us, despite how stressed we are or unsustainable the situation feels. We have responsibilities and dependents. A lease we signed or a car we need to pay off. Mouths to feed or family members to support. Student loans. Visa or immigration concerns.

The laundry list of real-world obligations and challenges can be extensive and daunting.

There may be intangible reasons why we are not ready to move on. We may still be subconsciously proving ourselves to a parent, or doing what was expected of us by our families and communities.

Perhaps our job is part of our identity.

For me it was: if I am not Adam the Lawyer, then who am I?

For a while I worked for the highest-grossing law firm in the world. Very prestigious, thank you very much.

When I mentioned the name of the firm within legal circles (and sometimes outwith), I knew that the listener immediately came to very flattering conclusions about me: he must be very clever indeed! Wow, what a high-achiever!

Whether or not those are true is irrelevant. It fed my ego and was part of the reason I stayed.

I stayed in a job I was suffering in, where I was slowly burning out, partly because other people thought better of me for being there.

We all have different variations of this: it could be our identity as high-achiever, not disappointing others, perfectionist, the smart child, the resilient survivor, the loyal one, the one who doesn't ask for too much.

Fear of the unknown

Many of us stay in jobs that we are unhappy in because of the risk we perceive in leaving. This is true even when there are no financial or practical obstacles to moving on.

Some common thought patterns start to appear: how will I fill my days? What else am I supposed to do with my life? I studied for years to get here, I can't just give all that up.

We fear the unknown, not knowing what is waiting for us on the other side. We convince ourselves that familiar discomfort is safer than uncertainty.

Perhaps we have already taken a sabbatical yet the pattern of shiny new job > boredom > lack of fulfilment > break > shiny new job, persists.

Charting a different course

When an ocean liner makes a 1° turn, the change of course may not seem obvious at first. But the direction of travel has changed and the destination will be totally different.

I asked ChatGPT to provide a real-world example: if an ocean liner sets sail from London to Miami, and turns 1° due south off its original course, the ocean liner will instead end up in the Bahamas.

Imperceptible change, very different destination.

We too can chart a different course in a way that is healthier and more sustainable. We are the ocean liner, and the world is our work environment.

The work environment doesn't change, but the way we relate to it does.

How I started to change course

When I was working in the law firm, I (mostly) enjoyed the work I did and I liked and respected my colleagues. But I knew it didn’t fulfil me to my core and that it never would.

Confusingly, I didn’t know what would fulfil me, and I was not in a financial position to leave. I wasn’t ready. I had more to learn. I was scared of the unknown.

So what did I do? I started to see my work as a playground.

I pondered: How can I use my job as training, not just to be a better lawyer, but for my personal growth? As the great spiritual teacher Ram Dass would say, as “grist for the mill”.

I began to notice my perfectionism, the need to prove myself to myself and others, competitiveness, identifying with the role itself, taking negative feedback personally, tying my self-worth to my job performance, imposter syndrome, inability to say “NO”.

Naturally, we can look to Mary Poppins for inspiration. She put it simply: “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.”

I don’t think she meant that all work should be enjoyable, or that we should force cheerfulness where it doesn’t belong. But there is something in the idea of meeting what’s already here with curiosity rather than resistance — of turning obligation into a kind of game — that mirrors what I began to practice in my own work.

Every experience was an opportunity to learn something about myself.

Building different types of connection

I started to be more open about how I was living my life outside the law firm: that I was living in an intentional community with 18 roommates, that I went to silent meditation retreats and attended Burning Man, that I drummed with the hippies in Golden Gate Park at the weekends.

To put it mildly, these were highly atypical activities for the working environment I was in.

It made my working day far more enjoyable when I could have conversations that were not solely about work or difficult clients.

It was an experiment to see how colleagues would react, and to see how I felt opening up when it seemed "risky".

We may be surprised at how much our colleagues are able to accept us for who we are. Our openness may give our colleagues permission to open up themselves. My colleagues were fascinated about my life in the "commune", as they described it.

During a team call, we were asked "what was the first album you bought" as an icebreaker ("Marshall Mathers LP" by Eminem and "Let Go" by Avril Lavigne, in case you were wondering).

After I responded, a colleague expressed his surprise and said, without a hint of judgment: "I thought yours would have been world drum jams or something like that."

The good-natured teasing felt hugely validating. I felt seen and accepted as the quirky, slightly weird member of the tribe.

Through this approach, I started to find confidants and people I could trust in the workplace. We are often on our guard against perceived threats to our employment and our livelihood, causing us to isolate and keep interactions to a minimum.

Although we may feel alone, there will be colleagues struggling with similar issues. We want to belong, to be accepted for who we are. Even if just a workplace-appropriate amount.

Our tactful openness can lead to forming more meaningful connections in ways that may surprise us.

Start small, and celebrate your wins

Building more authentic connections was hugely supportive, but perhaps more important was how I approached the many challenges I faced at work. This is where work truly became a playground.

I practiced setting boundaries. The nature of my job was such that I was technically available to work 24/7.

So when a supervisor asked if I was available at 5pm for a client call at very little notice, I was faced with a huge dilemma.

I had planned a yoga class date, and I really didn't want to miss it. It took several email redrafts, but ultimately I pressed send and said I wasn't available at that time and didn’t give a reason. I said I'd be back online and available later in the evening, if needed.

It sounds insignificant, but given the nature of the industry and my prior struggles setting boundaries, this was a monumental win for me.

It's particularly important considering how frequently I did sacrifice personal commitments or had to cancel on friends last minute because of work. Eventually, I would stop making social plans, knowing I might have to cancel, or show up with my mind elsewhere.

Some workplaces may contain power imbalances that make boundary-setting seem impossible. Noticing any fear around that is valuable in itself, and this is where resourcing ourselves with self-care practices and people we trust outside the workplace can be hugely important.

I started to relate differently to my supervisors. Drafting a contract at 11pm (this was a regular occurrence), I heard an inner voice tell me how I was going to make this document a work of art...not because that's what the task demanded, but to impress my boss.

I caught the voice and started giggling. There you go again, Adam, needing to prove yourself to others to feel worthy. I carried on and saw the funny side in my patterns.

I was doing the same work, but I stopped worrying about the outcome or the need to be perfect. I would do my best and let the chips fall.

I took my job seriously and worked to a very high standard. But I was now able to detach from the importance of it in the grander scheme of life. By bringing awareness to what was happening within me - my insecurities, my fears, my perfectionism - I could zoom out and approach it all with a lightness.

Instead of identifying as Adam the Lawyer, I was Adam practising law in that moment. My work product improved and my stress levels reduced. Nothing had changed externally.

Accepting reality without collapsing into it

I’m not suggesting we bypass any feelings or emotions. I have felt incredibly frustrated and fed up at work.

I have relied on unhealthy vices in moments of high stress. I have ranted incessantly about difficult colleagues.

I experienced burnout. It is a very real physical and emotional condition.

This is also not about enduring abuse or tolerating extremely challenging situations in the name of personal growth. There are situations where change is necessary for our safety and mental health.

Most workplaces, especially in the corporate world, are not fluffy and cozy. They can be cutthroat and people pass their stress onto others. 

Companies care about their employees to varying degrees, but their primary aim in the for-profit world is a desire for commercial success. Office wellbeing initiatives are great, and far more companies care about employee mental health in a genuine way than they once did.

But ultimately, it’s up to us, as mature adults, to take care of ourselves and give ourselves what we need.

This might mean asking for something from our employer, or it might be giving ourselves respite through a walk in nature, a chat with a friend, or building the courage to say "I don't have capacity right now".

Whatever it takes for you to feel well, and recognize that you will be more valuable to your employer if you work from that place of wellbeing, even if your employer doesn't see it that way.

Not only that, your family and friends will be grateful for the version of you that takes care of themselves.

We have more choice than we think

We spend so much of our time working yet we tend to accept our fate when things aren’t as we need them to be.

At the same time, it may be worthwhile investigating which parts of our experience are within our control.

You may feel powerless and that the situation is completely out of your hands. You may feel downright pissed off at what you're reading here. I get that, and I welcome any reflections you may have.

I challenge you to ask yourself:

• Is there a part of my circumstances, even if it's minuscule, that I can change for myself without anybody else doing anything differently?
• If my boss is trying to bully, and I don't feel safe to speak up directly, is there a way I could see my boss for the insecure, fearful person they may be, and take the comments less personally?
• Is there a "no" that I have not exercised that would have far lesser consequences than I have made out in my mind?
• Do I feel more comfortable having something to complain about rather than doing something about it?
• How much of the pressure I feel is coming from an external source? How much am I putting on myself?

It may not seem like it, especially when times are tough. But we do have more choices than we think. We can take charge of our own reactions and set boundaries where we need to.

Boundaries can be misinterpreted as being actions against another. I view them as acts of self-care that have little to do with the other person.

Without these skills and the ability to advocate for ourselves, the same patterns will repeat: shiny new job > boredom > stress > lack of fulfilment > sense of powerlessness > break > shiny new job. Repeat.

Your future self will thank you

When I told my supervisor that I wasn't available for the 5pm call, I felt like I had grown a new layer of skin. The empowerment I felt was intoxicating. I danced alone in my apartment in celebration.

He replied with a "sounds good, will let the client know." I still felt some guilt immediately after, but the story I'd created in my head about the consequences was just that: a story.

And there's more: I could see the guilt I experienced as an opportunity to learn about my own struggles with boundaries, a lesson I can apply to all aspects of my life.

Ask yourself which small, seemingly insignificant actions you can take to work towards that sense of empowerment.

Have that difficult conversation you’ve been putting off and see what it brings up in you.

When you send an important email and feel the rush of anxiety once it's gone, sit with this feeling. This might help you develop an understanding of what the anxiety is really about and tolerate it more next time it comes up.

Next time you're in a meeting with a "toxic" colleague, allow yourself to feel any discomfort or whatever else arises. But this time, try to see them for who they are beneath the bravado and the corporate façade. Perhaps they will seem far less intimidating in future.

And maybe you'll come to understand: it's about them, not about you.

We don't need to figure it all out. We might never understand the "why", and that's OK.

But by just noticing our reactions and allowing ourselves to experience what we are feeling, over time, releases their hold over us.

Perhaps one day you will go in a totally different direction, leave your job, or the career itself, and find contentment there.

But that new path doesn’t have to begin with external change. You can chart a different course now, in the exact same circumstances.

Journaling Prompts

• Is there a difficult conversation with a colleague you are avoiding? Where is your resistance coming from?
• Is there a ‘toxic’ colleague that triggers you regularly? How can you relate differently to them without them changing? 
• Do you feel undervalued and want your employer to finally recognize your worth? What’s stopping you having that conversation?
• Do you need help, support, or simply rest—and find yourself not asking for it? Why?
• In what ways has my job become part of how I define my value? What might shift if my worth didn’t depend so heavily on how I perform or are perceived at work?