When we begin working on ourselves and becoming more mindful, we start to notice our quirks and foibles in ways that weren’t as obvious to us before.

We become more aware of what's happening in our inner world. That includes the voices we hear in our own heads that are unkind, critical, and downright nasty.

We often call this our “inner critic”. After all the therapy, meditation and our other practices, we may wonder why it's still showing up.

We have been in this career for many years, yet we still criticize ourselves for our mistakes.

What is the "inner critic"?

The “inner critic” is a metaphor for that voice that tells us we are too fat or too thin, that we will fail because that’s what we always do, that this person won’t fancy us back because we are too awkward on dates, that nobody likes us, etc etc. We may have multiple inner critics that show up in different contexts.

What if we realized that befriending our inner critic was exactly what we needed to unlock our infinite potential to create, love and thrive?

Resistance = persistence 

We treat the inner critic like an uninvited guest at our party. It seems to show up when we least want it to be there. And we look at the inner critic with disgust, wishing it was gone, hoping it never returns.

But you might have noticed by now that, despite our vehement protestations, the inner critic does return, again and again.

In fact, the more we reject and push it away, the nastier and more persistent the inner critic becomes.

The inner critic does not respond well to being villainized and cast aside.

This is an invitation to pause and question the role that this inner critic has. It doesn’t appear because of random happenstance. It may seem to our conscious minds that the inner critic is our omnipresent enemy designed to stop us achieving our goals and destroy our relationships.

Through self-sabotage directed by the inner critic, that is sometimes the outcome.

What if we acknowledged that the inner critic has an important role to play for us, not against us?

Our inner critic developed to protect us

When the inner voice tells us that our romantic partner will leave us for someone else, we may be operating out of fear of abandonment or rejection. When the voice tells us we are going to mess up at work, we might be afraid of failing or even afraid of succeeding, so the voice steps in to convince us to either give up or accept the inevitability of our mistakes.

Our inner critic is like the security guard at the front door. Behind the door hide our greatest fears, our shame, and our vulnerabilities. The parts of us that are so tender and fragile, we subconsciously keep them locked away through our genius survival strategies.

With that framing, maybe we can begin to accept that the inner critic isn’t so evil after all.  

What if precisely the thing our inner critic needs, something that seems unfathomable to give, is a loving welcome?

News flash: the inner critic is probably here to stay

There are many therapies and techniques and practitioners out there which promise to rid you of all self-doubt and anxiety and fear and all the things that cause us the most angst.

This is very enticing, understandably. You’re offering me the rest of my life without shame or fear or anxiety? How much? Where do I sign?

Sadly, I treat such promises as I would a random email telling me I’d just inherited $10,000,000 from a previously unknown dead relative, and all I had to do was provide my credit card details and social security number.  

Here’s the thing: experiencing self-doubt and anxiety and fear and all the rest is part of being human. For as long as we are alive, we will be faced with situations where they will come up.

As much as we might want to, it's unrealistic to think we can permanently banish the inner critic. The inner critic is there to stay, even if the voice may become quieter and less persistent over time.

We do not have to accept this reality with a morose fatalism. The kindest, most compassionate approach is to acknowledge and accept the inner critic.

Instead of throwing them out of the party, get to know them.

Next time the inner critic shows up, get curious: “Oh, hey there. I recognize you - it’s nice to see you again! Please, come in, take off your shoes.”

This may sound ridiculous and counterintuitive, so let me explain the impact of this approach.

The doorway to our potential, our path to peace

Behind the inner critic, underneath our fear of failure, our not-enoughness, and our parts that protect us from emotional pain, is where our true potential exists.

It’s what Carl Jung called the “wonder child” — the spontaneous, alive part of us that doesn't care about social conditioning and insatiable appetite for success.

The wonder child in all of us wants to dance like nobody’s watching when everybody is watching, to start that business and risk failure, to be courageous in love.

Continuing the security guard analogy. The more kindness we show to the inner critic, the protector of our most vulnerable parts, the more our inner critic will trust us to relate in healthier ways to our fear, our shame, and all the parts of us that block us from living lives full of love, joy, and creativity.

We are telling the inner critic that we are trustworthy and that the world is safe because we are capable of accepting our frailties and our neuroses. We can take care of ourselves.

Because the more we push them all away, the more they will show up subconsciously in other areas of life.

The Sufi poet Rumi articulated this concept beautifully in “The Guest House”:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

By accepting the inner critic in all its forms, we are opening ourselves up to the message it brings, of where we need to deepen our inner work.

At first, this approach can feel uncomfortable or even make the voice louder. That doesn’t mean it isn’t working — it often means we’re finally turning toward something we’ve spent years trying to outrun.

When the inner critic becomes our ally 

We can start to relate differently to the inner critics when they do show up. When we understand that they originally developed to protect us, or as a response to societal conditioning that does not belong to us, we can start to treat them, and ourselves, with more kindness and compassion.

My inner critic shows up frequently to protect me from emotional pain. I have learned to turn towards it and listen to the underlying message it brings. Kindness toward the inner critic is the starting point, not the end point.

The inner critic transforms into a discerning voice that tracks our impulsive or reckless tendencies, rather than a controlling force that keeps us stagnant. The goal isn’t to silence all inner feedback, but to transform harsh self-attack into wise inner guidance.

Instead of running away from all romantic relationships for fear of closeness, or planning our wedding after a month of dating for fear of being alone, our inner voice becomes our discerning partner that helps us choose healthier relationships.

Through this work, we can continue to unlock our creative potential, our capacity to love, and to be loved deeply.

Journaling Prompts

• When does my inner critic show up most reliably?
• What forms does my inner critic take?
• What role could my inner critic have played in my childhood?
• What new role could I make space for now?
• When could I be kinder to myself when the inner critic shows up?