Why people pleasing is self abandonment

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“People-pleaser” is one of those terms that gets used so often in self-development spaces that it can start to feel like a personality trait. It's something we casually identify with, explain ourselves through, and quietly resign ourselves to. As if it’s just the way we are.

Awareness of our people-pleasing is a great start. But when this type of language becomes part of everyday speak, it can become another identity that we subconsciously believe we are stuck with. Hello, my name is Adam and I’m a people-pleaser.

But people-pleasing is learned behavior, and we can do something about it.

Here, I will explore how to work with the people-pleasing part of us - what’s actually going on underneath, how it affects us, and how we can start to shift away from this flavor of self-abandonment.

What exactly is “self-abandonment”?

It is making ourselves smaller, ignoring or suppressing our own emotions, needs, and feelings. It is not granting ourselves permission to place those emotions, needs, and feelings on an equal footing with someone else’s. 

It’s more than just low self-worth or low self-esteem. It’s that we don’t matter as much as others.

We are social chameleons who adapt to suit the people we are with instead of bringing our authentic selves. We become excellent at helping and we choose jobs that allow us to help, putting our own needs second.

Underneath it all, there is a very young part of us that desperately wants us to slow down, to take stock, and to put ourselves first. Who wants us to rest instead of going to another party out of obligation or guilt. Who wants us to have that difficult conversation and stick up for our values.

Allowing ourselves to be seen and felt  

Perhaps there was a time in our lives where we did not feel safe expressing our emotions, our needs, our desires. We were belittled or criticized. Someone else in our family system took up more oxygen and we minimized ourselves to keep the peace, or because we learned that speaking up would be futile. 

People-pleasing is not an empathetic or truly genuine act of kindness. Yes, it looks like we are doing things for other people, and that’s the outcome. Meanwhile, we are slowly burning out and allowing a resentment to build up inside us that we cannot explain.

We act out of shame and fear and are secretly hoping to be accepted and loved. That’s not wrong or bad, yet it’s a transactionality that makes it challenging to build authentic relationships.

True compassion and kindness, for ourselves and others, can help us build relationships based on trust, respect, and love. And sometimes, being compassionate and kind is not the same as being "nice". But if we do not advocate for ourselves, then who will?

If we are not showing loved ones the true versions of ourselves, including our emotions, needs, desires, fears, our messiness, then we are not giving them the opportunity to know and love us for who we really are.

We are not allowing the possibility of authentic connection.

We can unlearn the patterns

The patterns that lead to people-pleasing were likely constructed over many years, and they can be unlearned.

There are major aspects of our lives where it may show up in destructive ways, like staying in a relationship too long because we don’t want to “upset” our partner, or taking on so much work that we burn out. We don't have to wait for a significant life event to start changing our habits.

We have several small, seemingly inconsequential opportunities every day to practice prioritizing ourselves because we matter. It may feel difficult at first and we may tell ourselves we don't deserve it - that's completely normal.

This is the low-hanging fruit that can set us on the path to changing our habits so that the bigger decisions feel less intimidating.

Hi, I'm Adam, and I'm a people-pleaser.

My people-pleasing came up in myriad ways.

I would find it very difficult to go into a store and not buy anything. You know those small, independent stores which sell candles and other crafts handmade by the owner? Those were my weakness. If I was in one of those, it wasn't whether I'd buy something, but how much I would spend to justify my visit.

At times, I would avoid even entering and looking around, fearful that I’d have to then leave and “disappoint” the owner. I'd skulk past, annoyed at myself for missing out on seeing the delightful wares.

I began my people-pleasing training.

I started deliberately going into shops, browsing, picking things up, inspecting them, and leaving again without making a purchase. This may sound absurd but it was actually difficult for me. Over time it became easier, although I still have my moments (and a bunch of overpriced items I don't need).

I also experiment when out with friends.

When out at a tapas restaurant, there would often be one of each item left per plate. One potato croquette, one piquillo pepper, one patata brava. The people-pleaser in me would wait for someone else to have the last bite. An inner voice told me that someone else at the table was more deserving.

Not anymore.

Now, I challenge myself to take what I want. Not with greed, but simply acknowledging that I have a right to put myself first and eat the bloody croquette. It feels uncomfortable (the last thing I want to do is "upset" someone!!!), but I do it anyway.

Another small victory for my needs.

These victories add up. Each time we choose ourselves, each time we take rest instead of pushing through, each time we say NO, we are sending a message. We are sending a message to the vulnerable parts of ourselves, to the parts of us who, once upon a time, could not get their needs met, or perhaps couldn't safely say no.

We tell those parts: I am here, your needs matter. You matter. I can and will take care of you.

Do not underestimate how important this messaging is. You might not believe yourself at first, but stick with it.

Starting to take a different approach

I invite you to check in with yourself next time you decide to act based on the perceived needs of others.

Put your hand on your heart, soften or close your eyes, and ask yourself: who is this truly for? Am I doing this out of genuine kindness?

Be kind to yourself when you slip back into people-pleasing, and use it as a learning experience - what feelings came up? Anger, resentment, regret? Who were the feelings directed towards? Towards yourself?

Notice if you feel a sense of hopelessness or lack of choice, like "they made me" or "I had to" language. If you do, perhaps there is something to explore there when the time is right.

We can still do good by our friends, family and society AND drop the people-pleasing. Being helpful and agreeable and a decent person are healthy attributes. It’s important to consider our impact on others when we choose how to be and how to act.

But we can do this without abandoning ourselves. We can provide help and care from a place of genuine compassion. We can trust our fellow adults to advocate for themselves instead of living their lives and deciding for them how they feel.

We can give ourselves the love and respect that was once lacking, without waiting for someone to step in and do something nice for us because, well, haven't we already done so much for them? 

Being a people-pleaser is not a fixed identity that we are stuck with. It’s something we can let go of without being “selfish”, while still remaining kind and caring and having a positive impact on the people we love.

Journalling Prompts

• What’s one small “no” I could offer in the coming days without explanation or apology?
• Who do I feel most afraid of disappointing — and why?
• How do I take care of yourself when I am feeling tired or burnt out?
• Where could I practice choosing myself in a low-stakes way this week?
• When was the last time I took what I wanted without justification?